Desert wandering.

Ever feel like you're stuck? Like...on your journey of life, as you're passing the scenery, you think "Wait a second--I've seen this before?"

I've been struggling with this a lot lately. Losing my "big girl job" has left me with a lot of time to sit and take inventory of things in my life. Where am I spending my time and energy? Some of my time is spent at work, listening to (and participating in) discussions on first world problems. Another chunk of time is spent on job hunting (and sorting through job rejection emails.) The rest of my time is mostly spent working out while trying not to burn out. Running, yoga, lifting...anything to burn the excess energy and keep my mind off of what's happening outside the gym. Running is the least effective option because all I do when I run is think. Think about my life. Think about the past. Think about the uncertain future. Think about how I've been here (unemployed) before. Is there some message God's trying to share with me? What am I missing? Why does "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake keep playing in my head?!

I feel like I might know a small fraction of what the Israelites felt while wandering in the desert. It's been six months for me; it was 40 years for them. Did they ever pass a certain landmark and say "Hey. That there butte looks a tad bit familiar, wouldn't you say, Hepzibah?..." (After the third or fourth time, I'd have placed some ancient-style graffiti on it. Maybe just my name. Always a classic and non-offensive form of graffiti.) But we at least know why the Israelites wandered in the desert. They had a lack of belief. They complained. They were afraid of the unknown and wanted to go back to Egypt, despite all of the miraculous provisions God had provided for them upon their Exodus. They just weren't ready. I wonder if they ever felt forgotten?--Because sometimes, I feel forgotten or lost in the cosmic shuffle. Taking an honest look at my own life, do I have a lack of belief? Am I afraid to trust? Am I (still) just not ready? Is this time off supposed to be an opportunity for me to pursue some yet not-chased passion or talent? Am I supposed to be writing? Doing art? Or is it simply a time for me to find myself? Figure out what makes me tick? Or maybe it's just to confirm those dreams I have that have been buried deep are still there and the desire to see them fulfilled is as strong as ever. Do you have any of those?--deep-seated dreams you choose to ignore, because...well really, who wants to talk about them? The dreams that even though you try to deny them or reason them away, they stick around. I try to shrug them off, citing it's just not in the cards, but they linger. Let me put it this way: A hockey player who has won a gold medal still wants a Stanley Cup. If my career/work/job is my Olympics, I've proven to myself and to others that I can have a career and be damn good at it (even if my company has a history of dumping my team.) But that gold in my career isn't a Stanley Cup. (It's true. Ask any player, they still want the Cup.) There are still unfulfilled dreams that create such a pain in my heart, that no matter how much I lie and say they don't matter, they do. I try to bury them by reasoning that they're nothing more than childhood fantasies. I try to forget them by not talking about them. I laugh them off, (because I address any uncomfortable topic with humor), I deny them, I blame them for a bad day--anything but acknowledge them. Admitting I have dreams will make me appear weak. And then something happens that triggers an emotion and I'm suddenly that teary-eyed crazy girl sobbing for no apparent reason. (Man holding a baby, I'm talking to you!) And I've noticed that it is never a "pretty cry" like you see in the movies. It's an embarrassing, please-don't-look-at-me, I-want-my-mommy cry. So much for the strong facade. I'm just as blubbery as the rest of the girls out there. And good heavens. I can't do this for another 40 years.

There is an old quote from Lord of the Rings: "...not all those who wander are lost." But honestly, I feel a little lost. I've passed this butte before. It feels like there's a message I'm supposed to be getting that just isn't clicking. Are the unspoken dreams I grudgingly acknowledge my "promised land"...? Am I not ready for them? Too afraid to embrace them? Instead of racing for the new territory, am I only clinging to Egypt?--Willing to settle for a familiar job that will pay the bills but maybe not engage my talents and passions, and most definitely not fulfill my dreams? Am I willing to take slavery instead of embracing freedom? 

Why do we do that? Why do we stick to what's safe, even if it's harmful? Is settling safer? We play it safe when playing it safe it actually pretty risky. So I guess the challenge is to address the risk. Unearth the dream. Talk about it. Don't apologize for it. Embrace it. Chase it. Trust the God who put it there. Believe in it. Go get it. Realize that Egypt is behind you and life is more than wandering in the desert. Remember even if you wander, you are not forgotten. Dreams that lie dormant are not dead. 

"...the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be the blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king." The Lord of the Rings

[Fact: Any road trip, whether desert wandering or a trip to Mt. Doom, is made better with a good soundtrack. Or a riverdance.]