The Four-Letter Word

Mid August already?! I guess a week of hockey camp to start the month, followed by a week of house/pet sitting and early opening shifts add to the illusion that the month is flying by and picking up speed as it goes. Next weekend, my sister and I are going "home-home" for her birthday, to the place we grew up. It doesn't feel like home any more, but there's a peace I can't describe that settles somewhere deep inside as soon as we hit those cornfields. And the smells...few things more recognizable than the tang of fresh cow poo.

[WARNING: If you want to keep your "she's so upbeat despite her circumstances" impression of me, stop reading now.]

The job hunt continues. Some days, it feels like I'm hanging on to my sanity by a thread. My hope of finding a job that fits me is fading. My self-imposed deadline of finding the right job is racing toward me. I've expanded the search to include the West Coast, where I will most likely lose tons of weight (oooo, perk!) because I won't be able to afford housing and food. The hilarity of content contained in the rash of rejection letters I've been receiving continues. I received one yesterday that read: "Thank you for giving us the opportunity to examine your credentials...We have reviewed each resume in an effort to identify those applicants who are likely to be most competitive in this role...I'm sorry that my reply can not be more favorable, but take this opportunity to thank you most sincerely for your time and interest in (organization name) and wish you every success locating a challenging and rewarding position."

To which I reply:
1) Screw you. (G-rated version.)

2) I'm overqualified for the position--so if my state of qualification in fact disqualifies me from the designated "most competitive" category, you need to review the rules of your game.

3) Grammatical consistency. Why is it the letter was from a collective we until the closing paragraph where it is suddenly from a personal you?--"I'm sorry..." Do you also take ownership for the awkwardly worded sentence in which you also regret being unfavorable?

4) Wishing me every success in locating a challenging and rewarding position is condescending. Just wish me success or nothing at all. I'm trying to find a position that is equal parts challenging and rewarding already. Honestly, I was merely annoyed until that part of the sentence. After that, annoyance converted to anger and I quickly reverted to an R-rated four-letter word which I shan't drop here.

Spare me your flowery BS. Get to the point. UVA wins for a great rejection letter. It's main points: 
1) Thank you for your application.  

2) Sorry, but you weren't selected.

3) Feel free to apply again.

It was brief and to the point; none of the emotive jargon some employers feel obligated to include to...I don't know...soften the blow? Just do it and get it over with. It's like Money Ball where Brad Pitt's character coaches Jonah Hill's character on telling a player he's been traded. Just do it. To use a quote from my past corporate life: "Be brief. Be brilliant. Be gone." You're not breaking up with me. You're telling me via e-mail, in a mass-produced, canned response, that you're not pursuing me for the job. Just say it and be done. Am I hyper-sensitive to this? Of course I am. A rejection letter will never leave me feeling warm and fuzzy. Just get it over with.

And by the way, who is in charge of approving these letters, anyway?! Who in the HR department views a draft of this letter and thinks: "Golly gee! This is great"...? Obviously, they've never had to job hunt for extended periods of time. As someone who has been out of work for nearly a year, I'm not interested in you if you're not interested in me. Do not waste my time. Maybe in the beginning, I would have appreciated the more "personalized" response, even though I know it's sent to every rejected applicant. But now, I'm too busy trying to live on a budget that is 60% of what I was making. I still have a car payment, school loans, and daily living expenses. I have to sort through the "opportunities" flooding my inbox from the Commonwealth regarding "exciting job opportunities." You know what this week's "exciting" opportunity was? GetGo. A local gas station. On top of budgetary finagling, I'm fielding empty platitudes from people telling me that they "just know" something great is going to happen for me. (Insert aforementioned unmentionable four letter word here.) They tell me what a good person I am, and how they can't believe something like this would happen to me. That they don't understand how someone as smart as I am...as hard working as I am...as strong as I am...as good looking as I am (okay--j/k--I added that last one) can't find a job. And then they usually say something like, "Well...have you looked (obvious place) for a job...?" [Four-letter word.] "Have you talked to (obvious person) yet..." [Four-letter word.] And the penultimate: "Well, have you prayed about it?" [Four-letter word followed by half-hearted prayer apology.] Sadly enough, Christian circles can be the worst place to be going through a tough time. Your crappy situation suddenly becomes a "trial" or a "struggle" or a "difficult season." And while it may be all of those things, lets not worship it or make it into some sort of idol by labeling it with a special name. It's a crappy situation. In times like these, your words, which I'm sure are meant for encouragement, tend to have the opposite effect. "Just pray" and "God has a plan" rank among some of the most annoying phrases in the world. As a Christian, part of my whole "walking by faith" thing includes believing God has a plan. You ignoring my frustration to offer a faith-based platitude does nothing for me. Don't try to put me in some box to help ease your mind. You know what else doesn't work? Accusing me of having hidden sin in my life. "You should confess before God--repent!" Of what, exactly? Making you dead with my mind? And lastly, don't throw popular, overused, out-of-context Bible verses at me either. At least dig deeper than Jeremiah 29:11 and Proverbs 3:5-6. Go with Habakkuk 3:17-18. That's more where I'm at right now. Okay?

Here's the thing--whether job hunting, "the one" hunting, meaning-of-life hunting...if someone you know is in a place where they're looking for something...don't feel like you need to fill the empty space with words. They may know you mean well but your quickness to offer words can seem as if you're not listening. Do not feel obligated to tell this person that the thing they're looking for (job, soulmate, meaning-of-life) will turn up. Or that things will work out. Or that sometimes life doesn't always make sense. Stop and think. And consider this: instead of your words--big words, small words, foul four-letter words--maybe they just need you to listen. Listening does not require speaking on your part. Just listen. Really listen. My fear is that I used to be that person that would just throw out advice. My current experience is showing me the other side; and it makes me wonder how many times I threw words at my friends when they just needed me to listen. Put the phone down, turn away from the computer, and listen. Tell them a joke you heard on Ellen. Take them to a shooting range. Have them over for coffee. Recommend a book. Embrace silence. There is healing in the quiet. If you think you'll have a hard time keeping your mouth shut, invite them to a movie. Because then nobody's talking. Except maybe that annoying dude two rows in front of you--but he's none of your concern. Sometimes a friend just needs you to be there for them. And don't judge them if they blurt out a bad four-letter word, in any of its forms. (It's versatility is shocking. Truly amazing.)

There is a popular quote: "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." Ships that have left the harbor are vulnerable to any number of perils on the open sea. With today's advanced technology, it is easy to forget the early seafarers that ventured out into the unknown. They faced fierce storms, seductive sirens, vicious mermaids, unknown worlds, insanity-inducing doldrums, Poseidon's wrath, the Kraken, and of course, sailing off the edge of the world. Each dip of every swell led them farther from safety; but these are the people that make up the stories we love--adventurers sailing into the unknown, risking everything, because let's face it: the risk of sinking is better than the dangers inherent of sitting on the shore, wishing for a different life. And even as I rise and fall with the moods that accompany my situation, I try to remain very conscious that things could be much worse. And so I pick a point on the horizon, like sailors used the stars, and try to keep my focus fixed there to alleviate the unknowns of this sea. So much of the noise can easily distract and drag ya down. When crappy situations assail you, keep going. It's that, or be lost to the vicious mermaids. Sometimes that four-letter word helps and really, when it feels like you've already lost so much, the thought of voluntarily giving up a word that aids you in venting your frustration is nigh unbearable. It's like giving up coffee. Right now, with everything else, I need coffee for my sanity. 

So. To recap...when your friends are going through tough times...

1) Forget your words. Listen.
2) Understand...it's not about you.

3) Continue to listen, even if they pause. 

4) Keep in mind their state of mind--if they need to laugh, cry, vent or maybe just breathe. 

Basically, love on them. (Now there's a great four letter word: L-O-V-E)

And forgive them if they swear like sailors. They are, after all, simply sailing through one of the storms of life.